Some Days Suck.

Today has been awful. I am feeling terrible, I am feeling irritable, I am feeling like a failure. I have eaten so much today, almost all of it off my menu plan. Pastries and bread and yogurt and cereal and even five bites of cheesecake. I cannot describe to you how it feels, beyond saying AWFUL. I feel ashamed, I feel devastated, I feel further from reaching my goal weight than when I started this program. To say I am struggling would be the understatement of the year. To say I need a miracle to make this work would be putting it lightly.

Why is it so hard for me to do this right? Why do I do this to myself? No one is forcing me to eat these high calorie foods, and they don't even make me feel good--in fact, they make my stomach turn and give me the worst cramps ever. I promised myself I would be honest with this program, so this is me admitting my mess-up and taking full responsibility for it. I can't stop crying because I just have no faith in myself today. Why do I keep putting so much distance between where I am now and my goal weight? How many times do I have to say, "Yes, I messed up today but tomorrow I will be perfect," before I realize that perfect isn't happening for me?

I feel as though I have tried a million different ways to stay on track with my menus, and I keep coming up short. Some people think it's weird for me to have such a difficult time with this, some people think I must not truly want it because I'm not just doing it. Food and I have a torrid relationship and today it is showing its worst side.

This is hard. I knew it would be hard, but the difficulty is even more intensified by the fact that try and try and try as I might I still have not lost more than two pounds and I still have many days where I screw up.

I have really been trying to look to the positive, to see the bright side, but today I just can't. I am so disappointed in myself, truly disappointed beyond belief. I can't keep doing this. I am envious of everyone else's amazing progress and just want to be there with them. Of course, what works for one person might not work for me, but why does it feel like NOTHING will work for me? I put so much time into failing.

I am so tired of saying tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will start anew, tomorrow this will work. I never stop giving up, but how many times can I let myself down before I will?

I just want to be in a body that I love and respect. Today it seems impossible.

A Stand Still.

So, lately I have been feeling, I don't know, a little stuck? It's so hard to describe, to put into words exactly what it is that I am feeling, or, maybe, not feeling. It isn't that I am burned out on the program--yes, it IS a lot of work to plan ahead and prepare in advance for meals, but that is really becoming a habit that I don't want to break. Maybe I feel a little left alone. I think for some of the other participants, this is the point in the program where they have lost their ten pounds and now can just focus on maintenance. OR, maybe they haven't quite lost that, but they are well on their way, and are just able to go on auto pilot. Unfortunately, this is not the case for me.

I have a month left with the AAY! Nutrition Program (ROUND ONE of what I'm sure will be many!) and I have so far to go. I haven't actually LOOKED at my weight recently, but last I checked I'd lost two pounds. Total. In two months. Which is extremely disheartening, but what am I going to do? Just give up? Two pounds is better than none. And, yes, I have had MANY STRUGGLES throughout the past two months. But I am working the program and I am learning A LOT; about eating, about health, about nutrition, and, most importantly, about myself. And how amazing it is that even with such a menial weight loss, I keep going. A couple of years ago, hell, even a couple of months ago, I would've just given up.

But, you see, the point is that I am NOT READY to just float along in this program, I'm not ready to just go through the motions. I want to get the most out of this I possibly can; I want support! I want communication! I want to have a sounding board for when I eat an extra 300 calories! I know, this all sounds very ME ME ME! But I think that is what it will take for me to lose weight in a healthy fashion.

SO what do I do? I ask for help. I ask others to try and get the most they can out of this last month along with me! Let's do some extra workouts! Let's challenge each other to stay on plan! Let's applaude others for reaching their goals and hug those who haven't gotten there! I want this. So badly. And I ultimately know that IT IS UP TO ME--but it was really nice back in the beginning when I didn't feel so alone, and I'd really like to experience that again.