Some Days Suck.

Today has been awful. I am feeling terrible, I am feeling irritable, I am feeling like a failure. I have eaten so much today, almost all of it off my menu plan. Pastries and bread and yogurt and cereal and even five bites of cheesecake. I cannot describe to you how it feels, beyond saying AWFUL. I feel ashamed, I feel devastated, I feel further from reaching my goal weight than when I started this program. To say I am struggling would be the understatement of the year. To say I need a miracle to make this work would be putting it lightly.

Why is it so hard for me to do this right? Why do I do this to myself? No one is forcing me to eat these high calorie foods, and they don't even make me feel good--in fact, they make my stomach turn and give me the worst cramps ever. I promised myself I would be honest with this program, so this is me admitting my mess-up and taking full responsibility for it. I can't stop crying because I just have no faith in myself today. Why do I keep putting so much distance between where I am now and my goal weight? How many times do I have to say, "Yes, I messed up today but tomorrow I will be perfect," before I realize that perfect isn't happening for me?

I feel as though I have tried a million different ways to stay on track with my menus, and I keep coming up short. Some people think it's weird for me to have such a difficult time with this, some people think I must not truly want it because I'm not just doing it. Food and I have a torrid relationship and today it is showing its worst side.

This is hard. I knew it would be hard, but the difficulty is even more intensified by the fact that try and try and try as I might I still have not lost more than two pounds and I still have many days where I screw up.

I have really been trying to look to the positive, to see the bright side, but today I just can't. I am so disappointed in myself, truly disappointed beyond belief. I can't keep doing this. I am envious of everyone else's amazing progress and just want to be there with them. Of course, what works for one person might not work for me, but why does it feel like NOTHING will work for me? I put so much time into failing.

I am so tired of saying tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will start anew, tomorrow this will work. I never stop giving up, but how many times can I let myself down before I will?

I just want to be in a body that I love and respect. Today it seems impossible.