Some Days Suck.

Today has been awful. I am feeling terrible, I am feeling irritable, I am feeling like a failure. I have eaten so much today, almost all of it off my menu plan. Pastries and bread and yogurt and cereal and even five bites of cheesecake. I cannot describe to you how it feels, beyond saying AWFUL. I feel ashamed, I feel devastated, I feel further from reaching my goal weight than when I started this program. To say I am struggling would be the understatement of the year. To say I need a miracle to make this work would be putting it lightly.

Why is it so hard for me to do this right? Why do I do this to myself? No one is forcing me to eat these high calorie foods, and they don't even make me feel good--in fact, they make my stomach turn and give me the worst cramps ever. I promised myself I would be honest with this program, so this is me admitting my mess-up and taking full responsibility for it. I can't stop crying because I just have no faith in myself today. Why do I keep putting so much distance between where I am now and my goal weight? How many times do I have to say, "Yes, I messed up today but tomorrow I will be perfect," before I realize that perfect isn't happening for me?

I feel as though I have tried a million different ways to stay on track with my menus, and I keep coming up short. Some people think it's weird for me to have such a difficult time with this, some people think I must not truly want it because I'm not just doing it. Food and I have a torrid relationship and today it is showing its worst side.

This is hard. I knew it would be hard, but the difficulty is even more intensified by the fact that try and try and try as I might I still have not lost more than two pounds and I still have many days where I screw up.

I have really been trying to look to the positive, to see the bright side, but today I just can't. I am so disappointed in myself, truly disappointed beyond belief. I can't keep doing this. I am envious of everyone else's amazing progress and just want to be there with them. Of course, what works for one person might not work for me, but why does it feel like NOTHING will work for me? I put so much time into failing.

I am so tired of saying tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will start anew, tomorrow this will work. I never stop giving up, but how many times can I let myself down before I will?

I just want to be in a body that I love and respect. Today it seems impossible.

Get Up And GO!

One of my lovely lady friends from the AAY! Nutrition Program, Leslie, took me on an amazing walk this morning. We wound through the hills and climbed some crazy stairs in Echo Park, and had a nice time just gabbing as we worked up a sweat. Working out with a partner is SO GREAT! We hoofed it for an hour and a half and the time really just flew by.

One topic of conversation while on our early morning power walk was the idea of exercising as a part of your life, as a WAY of life. I'm from Southern Illinois, and, while I don't like the make blanket statements, I can say from my 24 years of experience there that people tend to be a bit sedentary. I can remember when I first started really going to the gym, the FIRST time I was on a weight loss journey, oh, I must've been about 19. My friends mocked me! People would ask me what I was doing there all the time, people would think it was a lame excuse as to why I couldn't hang out that afternoon. Were they mean? No, not really, but let me tell you, it can be hard to keep doing something that NONE of your friends are, and that NONE of your friends think is cool. At this point, I could care less, but it never ceases to amaze me how many people I know, both here in Los Angeles and back in Carbondale, that NEVER go to the gym or go for a run or lift weights. Also--how are they not all 500 pounds?! Even before the program started I was working out upwards of five hours a week just to maintain my weight!

I've been trying to get my Mom to hop on the exercise train for a couple of years. Dad rides his bike sometimes, and she used to belong to a gym, but then it went under and she just never found another one. She is extremely busy, especially for being 60--wakes up at 3:45 in the morning and starts working from home, leaves for her job as a physical therapist at 7 and drives all over Illinois seeing patients, sometimes not to return home until past 7 that night. So I get the excuse of not having the time, but I so worry about her health. I thought maybe if I looked up some benefits of exercise, beyond the ones I already know and have experienced in my own life, I could share that knowledge with her and inspire her to join a new gym.

Here's a few perks of exercise you may or may not be aware of...
-Exercise helps diminish depression
-It increases growth factors in the brain, which are chemicals that help us learn
-Researchers of Alzheimer's have found exercise to be one of the best combatants of the disease
-Exercise can boost bone mass and keep muscles strong
-Can help prevent heart disease, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, stroke, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and even boost your immune system
-Helps remove toxins from your body
-Assists with weight loss
-Exercising regularly helps reduce the amount of stress hormones in your body

It is an amazing feeling to accomplish a great workout--so go out and do it! If you need me, I'll be at the gym.

A Stand Still.

So, lately I have been feeling, I don't know, a little stuck? It's so hard to describe, to put into words exactly what it is that I am feeling, or, maybe, not feeling. It isn't that I am burned out on the program--yes, it IS a lot of work to plan ahead and prepare in advance for meals, but that is really becoming a habit that I don't want to break. Maybe I feel a little left alone. I think for some of the other participants, this is the point in the program where they have lost their ten pounds and now can just focus on maintenance. OR, maybe they haven't quite lost that, but they are well on their way, and are just able to go on auto pilot. Unfortunately, this is not the case for me.

I have a month left with the AAY! Nutrition Program (ROUND ONE of what I'm sure will be many!) and I have so far to go. I haven't actually LOOKED at my weight recently, but last I checked I'd lost two pounds. Total. In two months. Which is extremely disheartening, but what am I going to do? Just give up? Two pounds is better than none. And, yes, I have had MANY STRUGGLES throughout the past two months. But I am working the program and I am learning A LOT; about eating, about health, about nutrition, and, most importantly, about myself. And how amazing it is that even with such a menial weight loss, I keep going. A couple of years ago, hell, even a couple of months ago, I would've just given up.

But, you see, the point is that I am NOT READY to just float along in this program, I'm not ready to just go through the motions. I want to get the most out of this I possibly can; I want support! I want communication! I want to have a sounding board for when I eat an extra 300 calories! I know, this all sounds very ME ME ME! But I think that is what it will take for me to lose weight in a healthy fashion.

SO what do I do? I ask for help. I ask others to try and get the most they can out of this last month along with me! Let's do some extra workouts! Let's challenge each other to stay on plan! Let's applaude others for reaching their goals and hug those who haven't gotten there! I want this. So badly. And I ultimately know that IT IS UP TO ME--but it was really nice back in the beginning when I didn't feel so alone, and I'd really like to experience that again.

Not A Diet!

I'm getting SO SICK of people asking me how my diet is going. IT ISN'T A DIET!!! Lifestyle change, people!

But, to be honest, even though I wasn't supposed to, I DID kind of view it as a diet as well for a bit there. I thought things like, "Oh, I can't wait til this nutrition program is over so I can have dessert!" and  "three more months til pizza!" and "I should save this Splenda until the end of the program". What a totally negative outlook! WHY should I be looking forward to foods that aren't healthy or good for me or that help me to reach my goal? The program is a stepping stone toward a healthy LIFE, not a 10 pound weight loss challenge. I haven't even come close to my goal yet, so I cannot just throw nutrition by the wayside after 12 weeks! Even though I often feel like this is so hard for me and get really discouraged because even when I am succeeding at the plan, I'm not losing any weight, I feel like this is  truly becoming a way of life for me---okay, I wanted to make the joke "weigh" of life, but maybe I just think that's funny because it's so early in the morning.

In all seriousness--I am glad I've been on the journey. It really has been life-changing for me, and it feels good to believe now that this is something I can carry on for a long time. Over halfway done! And, yes, it stinks I haven't lost the weight, not even a quarter of the weight, and I'm happy (and jealous!) for those who have, but I just have to remember that everyone's journey is different. Mine just takes longer, and hopefully that means when it finally goes away, it's gone to stay! See? POSITIVITY!

Keep working hard. Keep believing in you. It doesn't matter if anyone else does, you know.

Burn It.

Okay, so, for the most part, I LOVE working out, especially when I go to bootcamp classes--they keep me motivated and are always switching things up so I don't get bored. But sometimes, exercising can be a struggle--I'm tired, I don't feel good, my feet hurt, I don't want to drive to the gym, it's so freakin' early, oh, you know all the excuses.

I think I play this trick on myself where I feel like I HAVE to be at the gym or in a class to be getting a good workout or ditching any of those unwanted calories. FALSE! Recently, I've discovered the joys (yeah, "joy" is pushing it..) of running outdoors, but there are so many other things one can do to burn calories, too!  I started brainstorming this afternoon, thinking about both ways to get a good workout without a gym membership, and also just ways to burn a few extra calories each day, and here's a little list I've compiled, entitled:

OLIVIA'S LIL LIST OF WAYS TO BURN CALORIES WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING YOU'RE WORKING OUT, WHICH IS AWESOME:

1. Dance! Put on some great music and get weird in your living room. I prefer to do this when I am home alone, and just hope and pray the neighbors don't complain about how loudly Whitney Houston is playing.
2. Take the stairs as much as you can. I live on the fourth floor, and it is so much easier to just hop in the elevator, but I try to fight it! Even if I've got two bags to carry, it is manageable!
3. Exercise while watching TV! I like to keep my eight pound free weights handy and do things such as bicep curls while I am watching a show. Or, if you have actual television and not just the Internet like me, do crunches during the commercials! Try it! It takes nothing away from the entertainment--in fact, I like doing this because it makes me forget I'm getting a workout!
4. Walk your dog! Run with your dog! Play with your dog! Or, if you don't have a dog, borrow a friend's! Or go volunteer at a shelter and play with those doggies!
5. See how quickly you can clean the house--and scrub those floors on your hands and knees! I live in a studio, but am surprised how dirty it can get! A good, thorough clean always makes me break a sweat.
6. Challenge some friends to a game of bowling! Yes--it's a sport! It's so funny, but the last time I went bowling, we played two games in a row, and the next day my arm was sore from lobbing that weighted ball!
7. Take a hike! Grab a pal, or significant other, or coworker, and make them go with you. Torching calories is fun in a group!
8. Turn everything into an excuse to workout! I do calf raises while washing the dishes, squats while drying my hair, and lunges while brushing my teeth. Why not?!

Maybe some of these will work for you! Now that I've written this silly little list, I better stay true to them. Okay, NO ELEVATOR FOR ME TOMORROW. I'm off to brush my teeth and do some lunges...I better practice what I preach, right??

I'm a big proponent of the get out there and play with your dog idea. Here's me and my dog, Barkminster Fuller! He still lives in Illinois for now, because I don't know where I'd put a 70 pound pup in our studio. I miss him tons, but my parents are really good dog sitters. Plus, he is such a good exercise buddy--he never stops going!!

Exercise Your Ears.

Sometimes my weekend trips to the gym are nearly too much to handle. People are packed in there like sardines, everyone vying for the one open treadmill, gym rats asking you, "How many more reps you got?", it can be a truly stressful and often annoying experience that I endure because I need the exercise. Okay, I'll be fair, sometimes it's not half-bad! But quite often, the only solace I find it escaping into my headphones. Good music really makes a workout WORK for me. It helps me stay motivated when I am feeling tired, pushes me to go a little bit harder when I feel like calling it quits, encourages me to keep a steady pace, and, of course, drowns out the rest of the people!

Recently I looked up exercise and running playlists and found a few good ones, so I thought I'd share!

NPR Ultimate Workout Mix

2012 Huffington Post Running Playlist

The Ultimate Workout Playlist

Good Housekeeping Jogging Playlist

I got a lot of really great song ideas off these and am now working on creating my own amazing playlist! I hosted a radio show for nine years and really miss selecting music for everyone to listen to, so when I finish my own I'll post it and everyone can enjoy!!

This song is the one I ALWAYS put on when I need a good jumpstart. Happy sweating!

One run at a time.

The other day I had a particularly awful shift at work. People were being negative, being mean, being aggressive. As much as I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed, I knew my gym clothes were waiting for me in the car. So I sucked it up and went running at the Silverlake Reservoir. It's a nice little loop, something like 2.2 miles, and I've only ever run it once before--I've really never been much into outdoor running, I'm usually a treadmill type of gal. But it was perfect, just what I needed: some fresh air, some good music on my headphones, and some heavy breathing. Of course, there were points when I thought, "Am I actually running right now? Is this too slow to be considered a run?" So, let's be fair, perhaps I was JOGGING. But I was doing something!

I went home, and, feeling the high of exercise, sat down to eat my snack. And then I just wanted to keep eating and my mind was playing tricks on me, giving me the thoughts of, "Oh, you went running! Treat yourself!" This is SUCH an easy trap to fall into. I've done it millions of times. But it is so utterly counterproductive! I ate too much and felt heavy and full and disappointed. I didn't want to sit with this feeling, so what did I do? I put on my shoes and went running out the door. What?! I have never, ever in my life done this--especially not at night. Sure, I've taken walks--power walks even--after dinner or when I'm feeling antsy or like I need to indulge in a little self love, but I've never gone running. It felt so good! Of course I'm not proud that I was driven to do this thanks to overeating, but I think it's a GIANT LEAP in the right direction. I am not sure how far I went, but I think it was about 3 miles, and I cannot tell you how good it felt.

...and the next day I felt like my legs were going to fall off.

"A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise." 
-AA Milne

I think I can, I think I can..

I've been doing a lot of research on WILLPOWER lately. Sometimes it feels like I don't have any! Some days I succumb to all the temptations around me. Well, I'll be fair to myself, I don't really eat ALL the things I sometimes want to, but I have had moments of mishap.

Here's a list of ways to increase willpower that I am finding helpful during this journey:
*NOTE: these are in no way, shape, or form the RIGHT things to do, they are just some things that might be helpful methods of strengthening your willpower muscle...

-anticipate roadblocks and plan for these problems
-eliminate negative influences
-avoid temptations whenever you can
-make small, manageable goals and remind yourself constantly how important these goals are to you
-set up a rewards system for yourself for achieving even the most minute goals (but FOOD IS NOT A REWARD!)
-commit to your goals verbally to as many people as you can--it helps you stay accountable
-use keywords and little phrases to keep you motivated and working toward your goal--say them over and over in your head when you are feeling weak
-just as we utilize rewards when we do something good, remember that there are consequences when you make negative choices--for me, I tack on extra workout hours, but not as a punishment, just as a consequence for not sticking to my plan
-be kind to yourself, and don't just give it all up because you ate poorly one day, or didn't exercise enough one week--it takes time to get where you want to be!!

Okay, so I'm still working on ALL of those (errr, especially that last one about not beating yourself up!), but I'm getting there.

Miles to go before I sleep.

Nutrition program, week two is off to a rocky start. I had a good Monday! I had a TERRIBLE Tuesday, complete with something like 400 extra calories of peanut butter---had a little binge moment, am trying to forgive myself and move on. Having a decent Wednesday! Took an extra bootcamp class this morning to make up for overeating yesterday, and, whoa, are anyone else's calves on fire?! I'm already plotting ways to get the boyfriend to give me a massage when he gets home--I think if I offer him money it might work!

I am so tired. On the message board for the nutrition program, someone posted about having all this energy, meanwhile I'm struggling to keep my eyelids pulled up--at 11 in the morning! I. Am. So. Tired. Today is my day off work (!!) and all I've done is lazed around, reading, and catching up on TV shows and, as always, chopping more baggies of vegetables. I feel like such a bum. I usually fill my free days with cleaning and laundry and errands and walking and all sorts of other seemingly mundane but necessary things. Not today, no no, it has been a lay in the bathtub reading "Blood, Butter & Bones" for an hour (if you're a foodie like me and looking for a great book, try it). I just do not have energy. I'm totally zapped.

I think it's just my body adjusting to all these changes--better eating habits, more intense workouts, not smoking (three weeks down, a lifetime to go, thank you very much!)--all very healthy and positive changes, but I'm really putting myself through the ringer and I do think it's taking a toll. So I'm going to lay here in bed, blogging and watching reruns of Six Feet Under, and, yes, I will probably feel a little guilty about being so lazy, but maybe I've earned a day off! And, hey, at least I'm not sitting here digging into a bag of potato chips. My love handles are going to thank me one day.

Teddy Roosevelt said..