Mar-tea-ni.

Not drinking alcohol hasn't been too hard, especially because I have an AMAZING boyfriend who also stopped drinking--it's like we're in this together! So instead of sipping on Grand Marnier after dinner (also, how old am I?!), we've been downing cup after cup of tea. I gave up coffee about two years ago--my poor stomach just couldn't hang--so tea has been a part of my daily routine for a while now. But with the AAY Nutrition Program I've really upped my tea game!

There are heaps of different tea flavors out there, and to keep myself from getting bored--as I tend to oh so easily--I've been trying and buying a wide variety. Bryce (my man friend, we can maybe give him a name at this point other than just "the boyfriend") is really into Orange Spice right now, while I'm loving Honeybush Caramel (Revolution Teas) and this one I tried at our last nutrition meeting, Strawberry Chocolate (Republic of Tea). I ordered some of the latter last night and cannot wait to receive it!

Have a favorite tea? Let me know in class, or an email, or, hey, share the love and bring some!

Adam and the Rants.

It seems like all I do is talk about how hard this is, eh? Well, here we go again, because, guess what?? IT IS HARD.

I love when people think losing weight is easy. And, hey, if it truly is easy (and still healthy) for you, then dang, I'm just jealous. But for the rest of us (we are the 99%!!), it is a laborious endeavor. The wonderful trainers send out all these emails, which I love, as they serve as little reminders to keep going, and recently I opened one about what to expect at our week two weigh in--which happens tomorrow morning. The quick note mentioned how common it is for people to lose up to 5 pounds their first week on the program, and to not feel discouraged when this next weigh in isn't as bountiful.

GREAT.

I lost 1.6 pounds the first week! Nowhere near five! Or even four! It might be less this week? I mean, I know that's the reality, and I just have to be okay with it, but why can't I lose more?! I know this isn't real life, but in my wildest dreams I just wish I could see results quicker. But isn't that one of the things that makes weight loss so challenging? Actually sticking with it when you don't see any change for a while, or, at least, you think you don't.

I am so happy for the people who DID lose the five pounds, or four, or three, or two, or one--it's everyone's separate journey. But sometimes it feels so frustrating and like I am the only one who isn't getting there. I know! I'm only two weeks in! But why can't it come easier for me?

The first time I lost weight, I was meeting with a nutritionist at the college I attended in Southern Illinois . We talked meal plans and caloric intake and exercise and all the good stuff, and for the first time in my life I counted calories and really paid attention to what I was eating. I skipped the afternoon margaritas in favor of the elliptical. I portioned out pasta instead of eating half the box at once. And I only let myself have dessert once--okay, twice--a week.

And I literally did not see weight loss for TWO MONTHS. A pound or two shaved off that number on the scale, but for two months it hovered right between 170 and 178, my highest weight ever.

I wish I remembered my feelings about this better. I know I wasn't nearly as strict as I have been with this--for example, my one dessert a week? A gigantic piece of carrot cake from Denny's! (Don't judge me, I lived in a pretty small town and still love Denny's) But I kept working on good habits and not overeating, and it felt like one day I couldn't lose any poundage and the next day it had suddenly all fallen off. Was that just my perception? Absolutely, and, in looking at old pictures now, I'm able to see a steady progression of the decline of my weight over a series of months. But it took time. SO MUCH TIME. And while I keep trying to remind myself of this, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to watch people who don't push themselves as hard in class losing more than you. Sometimes it's hard to see your boyfriend eat whatever he wants and just keep gaining muscle. Sometimes it feels unfair.


My clothes are still tight! My thighs are still terribly large! My energy is still zapped! But I'll just keep trying.

Starting point.

So, here's my "before" pictures. They were definitely eye opening for me. Sometimes I think I see one thing when it is really another. I'm glad I have these so I'll be able to see how far I've come a few months from now!

Miles to go before I sleep.

Nutrition program, week two is off to a rocky start. I had a good Monday! I had a TERRIBLE Tuesday, complete with something like 400 extra calories of peanut butter---had a little binge moment, am trying to forgive myself and move on. Having a decent Wednesday! Took an extra bootcamp class this morning to make up for overeating yesterday, and, whoa, are anyone else's calves on fire?! I'm already plotting ways to get the boyfriend to give me a massage when he gets home--I think if I offer him money it might work!

I am so tired. On the message board for the nutrition program, someone posted about having all this energy, meanwhile I'm struggling to keep my eyelids pulled up--at 11 in the morning! I. Am. So. Tired. Today is my day off work (!!) and all I've done is lazed around, reading, and catching up on TV shows and, as always, chopping more baggies of vegetables. I feel like such a bum. I usually fill my free days with cleaning and laundry and errands and walking and all sorts of other seemingly mundane but necessary things. Not today, no no, it has been a lay in the bathtub reading "Blood, Butter & Bones" for an hour (if you're a foodie like me and looking for a great book, try it). I just do not have energy. I'm totally zapped.

I think it's just my body adjusting to all these changes--better eating habits, more intense workouts, not smoking (three weeks down, a lifetime to go, thank you very much!)--all very healthy and positive changes, but I'm really putting myself through the ringer and I do think it's taking a toll. So I'm going to lay here in bed, blogging and watching reruns of Six Feet Under, and, yes, I will probably feel a little guilty about being so lazy, but maybe I've earned a day off! And, hey, at least I'm not sitting here digging into a bag of potato chips. My love handles are going to thank me one day.

Teddy Roosevelt said..

Go-go-yoga!

Napoleon Bonaparte once said, "The best cure for the body is a quiet mind."

After a few days of beating myself up for having a misstep (or two, or three, or, dare I say, four..) during the first week of the nutrition program, I decided I needed to really relax and reflect and try and quiet my chiding mind. So I decided to take a yoga class at the gym I belong to on Sunday.

To be honest, I always kind of scoff at yoga. I like the idea of stretching and being more flexible, but I never really considered it a legitimate form of exercise. Plus, the idea of shutting my mind off, while enticing at a glance, seems impossible. The very few times I've had a professional massage, I spent 40 minutes just trying to relax my brain, and the last 20 minutes beating myself up for wasting the massage! Am I too hard on myself? Well, maybe...

So I put my notions about yoga aside and rolled my purple mat out alongside men and women of all shapes, sizes, and skill level. And you know what? It was, of course, just what the doctor ordered. Though I never did quite fully still my mind, I did find a bit of peace within myself. Just slowing down and taking the time to collect myself, trying my damnedest to leave negativity at the gate and just appreciate the steps I have taken, and the little progress I have made, it granted me a sense of accomplishment I so desperately needed. Someone very smart (Elaine) once told me, "Even if you take two steps forward and one step back, you're still making progress."

And let me just publicly redact my statement about yoga and it's legitimacy as a form of exercise. Holy cow, my legs were shaking for two hours afterwards!

Bad Habits...

...we all have them. And not just one! No, no, we all have LOTS of them. Like I used to bite my nails--for years! I actually didn't even stop biting my nails until about a year ago, and that was after many, many attempts to quit. And, yes, occasionally when I am extra nervous, I find myself chewing on my thumbnail even now.

One thing I've learned during this, the first week of my nutrition program, is that habits are not easy to break. It became a habit because you did it over and over and over again, so it is amazingly hard to just try and stop that behavior. Once I read somewhere that if you do something for eleven days in a row it becomes a habit. Sometimes it feels so hard, though, and I question my resolve, my willpower, and just how far I am willing to go to get what I want. But then I remember all the other bad habits I've overcome through the years.

I have these bad patterns when it comes to eating and I am working to overcome them. I am not there yet, but I am striving to give more of myself and I believe that I can do it. Well, maybe I'm not FULLY behind that statement yet, but I'm just going to fake it 'til I make it.

I don't want to settle anymore. I deserve a better life and I am the only one that can go and make that a reality.