Avocado!

Just wanted to give a shout out to avocados--you are oh so tasty!

Take A Hike!

The other day I had to open at work, which meant I could not make it to bootcamp. I brought my gym clothes with me to work so I would be more motivated to get my exercise on afterwards. It was such a beautiful day out, I decided I should go for a hike instead of going to the gym. Let me tell you: best idea!! I did some great uphill hiking and that fresh air really did me good. It made me think of home, back in southern Illinois, where we have so many great hiking trails and hidden nature spots. I think maybe I will take another hike tomorrow!

Progress.

Progress not perfection is a mantra I keep chanting to myself. Some days I do awesome, I feel great, I think I look thinner! Other days I really struggle and beat myself up and can hardly stand to look in the mirror. But we all have different journeys we must take, right? The program is nearing its end and I am so glad I chose to do it! Even if it hasn't yielded any weight loss results for me, I've still made a lot of positive changes.

I'm trying to make my blog posts more positive, so, here's one of my favorite quotes to end with:

What Doesn't Kill You..

After this rough, rough week (and I mean in both terms of eating and just life in general!) I decided to get back to basics. With the love and care and assistance of Nar, I've moved myself back to the menus from good ol' phase one--remember way back when?! They are just so simple and straight forward and I think just a retreat back to clean, easy eating will be beneficial in my life.

I've also really been trying to amp up my exercise. While I already spend at least 7 or 8 hours a week working out, I've been trying to focus this week on getting the most out of that time. Yes, I can walk for  7 hours a week, but that really isn't going to produce the types of results I am looking for. Today I had a great strength training gym session, followed by a breezy jog outside. I'm sore already, but feeling good about myself, which is rare for me!

Cheesy as it may be, I must admit I've listened to this song like 19 times today. Great anthem for pushing yourself to go a little harder, to be a little better!!

A Quiet Mind.

Thanks to everyone who offered me support after that last post. Really, it means so much! This just hasn't been my week, but at least today it's not because of eating poorly!

Elaine suggested this to me and I just wanted to share it with everyone else: the 21-day mediation challenge. It's an Oprah/Deepak Chopra thing, they send you little emails and have a different meditation every day for about 15 minutes. I just started today and it's great, really. I've never been into meditating but I found the one today to be super great. I highly suggest it to anyone who is wanting to take baby steps into meditation like me! After this hell week I seem to be experiencing, it's really refreshing.

https://www.chopracentermeditation.com/Bestsellers/LandingPage.aspx?BookId=178

Some Days Suck.

Today has been awful. I am feeling terrible, I am feeling irritable, I am feeling like a failure. I have eaten so much today, almost all of it off my menu plan. Pastries and bread and yogurt and cereal and even five bites of cheesecake. I cannot describe to you how it feels, beyond saying AWFUL. I feel ashamed, I feel devastated, I feel further from reaching my goal weight than when I started this program. To say I am struggling would be the understatement of the year. To say I need a miracle to make this work would be putting it lightly.

Why is it so hard for me to do this right? Why do I do this to myself? No one is forcing me to eat these high calorie foods, and they don't even make me feel good--in fact, they make my stomach turn and give me the worst cramps ever. I promised myself I would be honest with this program, so this is me admitting my mess-up and taking full responsibility for it. I can't stop crying because I just have no faith in myself today. Why do I keep putting so much distance between where I am now and my goal weight? How many times do I have to say, "Yes, I messed up today but tomorrow I will be perfect," before I realize that perfect isn't happening for me?

I feel as though I have tried a million different ways to stay on track with my menus, and I keep coming up short. Some people think it's weird for me to have such a difficult time with this, some people think I must not truly want it because I'm not just doing it. Food and I have a torrid relationship and today it is showing its worst side.

This is hard. I knew it would be hard, but the difficulty is even more intensified by the fact that try and try and try as I might I still have not lost more than two pounds and I still have many days where I screw up.

I have really been trying to look to the positive, to see the bright side, but today I just can't. I am so disappointed in myself, truly disappointed beyond belief. I can't keep doing this. I am envious of everyone else's amazing progress and just want to be there with them. Of course, what works for one person might not work for me, but why does it feel like NOTHING will work for me? I put so much time into failing.

I am so tired of saying tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will start anew, tomorrow this will work. I never stop giving up, but how many times can I let myself down before I will?

I just want to be in a body that I love and respect. Today it seems impossible.

Get Up And GO!

One of my lovely lady friends from the AAY! Nutrition Program, Leslie, took me on an amazing walk this morning. We wound through the hills and climbed some crazy stairs in Echo Park, and had a nice time just gabbing as we worked up a sweat. Working out with a partner is SO GREAT! We hoofed it for an hour and a half and the time really just flew by.

One topic of conversation while on our early morning power walk was the idea of exercising as a part of your life, as a WAY of life. I'm from Southern Illinois, and, while I don't like the make blanket statements, I can say from my 24 years of experience there that people tend to be a bit sedentary. I can remember when I first started really going to the gym, the FIRST time I was on a weight loss journey, oh, I must've been about 19. My friends mocked me! People would ask me what I was doing there all the time, people would think it was a lame excuse as to why I couldn't hang out that afternoon. Were they mean? No, not really, but let me tell you, it can be hard to keep doing something that NONE of your friends are, and that NONE of your friends think is cool. At this point, I could care less, but it never ceases to amaze me how many people I know, both here in Los Angeles and back in Carbondale, that NEVER go to the gym or go for a run or lift weights. Also--how are they not all 500 pounds?! Even before the program started I was working out upwards of five hours a week just to maintain my weight!

I've been trying to get my Mom to hop on the exercise train for a couple of years. Dad rides his bike sometimes, and she used to belong to a gym, but then it went under and she just never found another one. She is extremely busy, especially for being 60--wakes up at 3:45 in the morning and starts working from home, leaves for her job as a physical therapist at 7 and drives all over Illinois seeing patients, sometimes not to return home until past 7 that night. So I get the excuse of not having the time, but I so worry about her health. I thought maybe if I looked up some benefits of exercise, beyond the ones I already know and have experienced in my own life, I could share that knowledge with her and inspire her to join a new gym.

Here's a few perks of exercise you may or may not be aware of...
-Exercise helps diminish depression
-It increases growth factors in the brain, which are chemicals that help us learn
-Researchers of Alzheimer's have found exercise to be one of the best combatants of the disease
-Exercise can boost bone mass and keep muscles strong
-Can help prevent heart disease, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, stroke, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and even boost your immune system
-Helps remove toxins from your body
-Assists with weight loss
-Exercising regularly helps reduce the amount of stress hormones in your body

It is an amazing feeling to accomplish a great workout--so go out and do it! If you need me, I'll be at the gym.

A Stand Still.

So, lately I have been feeling, I don't know, a little stuck? It's so hard to describe, to put into words exactly what it is that I am feeling, or, maybe, not feeling. It isn't that I am burned out on the program--yes, it IS a lot of work to plan ahead and prepare in advance for meals, but that is really becoming a habit that I don't want to break. Maybe I feel a little left alone. I think for some of the other participants, this is the point in the program where they have lost their ten pounds and now can just focus on maintenance. OR, maybe they haven't quite lost that, but they are well on their way, and are just able to go on auto pilot. Unfortunately, this is not the case for me.

I have a month left with the AAY! Nutrition Program (ROUND ONE of what I'm sure will be many!) and I have so far to go. I haven't actually LOOKED at my weight recently, but last I checked I'd lost two pounds. Total. In two months. Which is extremely disheartening, but what am I going to do? Just give up? Two pounds is better than none. And, yes, I have had MANY STRUGGLES throughout the past two months. But I am working the program and I am learning A LOT; about eating, about health, about nutrition, and, most importantly, about myself. And how amazing it is that even with such a menial weight loss, I keep going. A couple of years ago, hell, even a couple of months ago, I would've just given up.

But, you see, the point is that I am NOT READY to just float along in this program, I'm not ready to just go through the motions. I want to get the most out of this I possibly can; I want support! I want communication! I want to have a sounding board for when I eat an extra 300 calories! I know, this all sounds very ME ME ME! But I think that is what it will take for me to lose weight in a healthy fashion.

SO what do I do? I ask for help. I ask others to try and get the most they can out of this last month along with me! Let's do some extra workouts! Let's challenge each other to stay on plan! Let's applaude others for reaching their goals and hug those who haven't gotten there! I want this. So badly. And I ultimately know that IT IS UP TO ME--but it was really nice back in the beginning when I didn't feel so alone, and I'd really like to experience that again.

Not A Diet!

I'm getting SO SICK of people asking me how my diet is going. IT ISN'T A DIET!!! Lifestyle change, people!

But, to be honest, even though I wasn't supposed to, I DID kind of view it as a diet as well for a bit there. I thought things like, "Oh, I can't wait til this nutrition program is over so I can have dessert!" and  "three more months til pizza!" and "I should save this Splenda until the end of the program". What a totally negative outlook! WHY should I be looking forward to foods that aren't healthy or good for me or that help me to reach my goal? The program is a stepping stone toward a healthy LIFE, not a 10 pound weight loss challenge. I haven't even come close to my goal yet, so I cannot just throw nutrition by the wayside after 12 weeks! Even though I often feel like this is so hard for me and get really discouraged because even when I am succeeding at the plan, I'm not losing any weight, I feel like this is  truly becoming a way of life for me---okay, I wanted to make the joke "weigh" of life, but maybe I just think that's funny because it's so early in the morning.

In all seriousness--I am glad I've been on the journey. It really has been life-changing for me, and it feels good to believe now that this is something I can carry on for a long time. Over halfway done! And, yes, it stinks I haven't lost the weight, not even a quarter of the weight, and I'm happy (and jealous!) for those who have, but I just have to remember that everyone's journey is different. Mine just takes longer, and hopefully that means when it finally goes away, it's gone to stay! See? POSITIVITY!

Keep working hard. Keep believing in you. It doesn't matter if anyone else does, you know.